You want to know what’s awesome about menopause? Literally everything. If you haven’t tried it yet - what are you even doing with your life? Everybody’s journey is their own, but I'm about to make you so jealous that you will want to start menopause today. So buckle up, fan yourself dramatically, and get ready to feel 50 shades of sweaty envy.
Luscious Locks: My hair has fallen out so much that when I wash it, I need only a contact lens full of shampoo and conditioner. Not only is it much cooler here in the south to be practically bald, I’m saving so much money on hair products! But, fear not - my hair is growing in other places that are super attractive and highly enviable. The other day I discovered I was sporting a wannabe Salvador Dali style mustache. I’m not sure how long I was rocking that beauty, because I am also now blind as a bat. So if you were among the privileged to witness it in action - you’re welcome. I may not have volume on my head but my mustache just mentioned something about joining a barber shop quartet.
There’s no “stay” in Homeostasis: I play a constant game of Is It Hot or Just ME!? I’m always a winner at this game, because I’m hot (see aforementioned mustache) and spikes in my internal body temperatures mean I can bake a sweet potato right in my hands if we lose power. Couple that with the fact that it’s summer in the south and it’s fire, people. Straight. Up. Fire. Needless to say, my Nest thermostat gets an amazing workout - down ten, up two, and repeat. My house is so cold that Palmetto Electric keeps sending me flowers to thank me. It’s getting awkward now.
Night Sweats: My right leg also gets a great workout from kicking the sheets on and off repeatedly throughout the night - which seems to last forever because I no longer sleep. Hooray! More time to panic about things that I cannot control! And, makes it so much more convenient to make the 75 nightly excursions to the bathroom. My Apple watch is all “It looks like you’ve started a work out.” Heck yeah I have! At this rate, I can get 10,000 steps in before dawn.
The Coming of Rage: Have I sold you yet on why you, too, should menopause? What do you mean, no? I’m not sure if I should be angry or cry about that. Maybe I’ll become so angry that I cry, and then feel sorry for myself that I’m crying, and simultaneously guilty that I am angry, and then mad about crying in the first place. I mean, why commit to one emotion when you can feel all of them at the same time?
Sad movies can ruin my life for days now, so I watch a lot of the Great British Baking Show. My rollercoaster of emotions works well with it - I’m elated that one contestant didn’t overcook her sponge on cake week and simultaneously gutted for the gent who forgot to add flour.
There’s SO MUCH MORE of me to love: The new and improved me gains weight just watching the baked goods being judged on the Great British Baking Show. I don’t even have to eat them anymore! I wasted all that time and money eating delicious food. Now I use all the extra hours to shop for clothes that fit me. And, because outfits that I could button last week somehow are a bit snug today - I hit the donation bin en route to find something to wear this week. Less laundry and charitable donation all wrapped up in a pretty bow that no longer stays in my hair.
Still not convinced? Well, I saved my favorite part for the closer of this Menopause sales pitch.
Brain um…what’s it called?: My brain has become an experiment in chaos theory - every thought spawns a butterfly that immediately forgets where it’s going. And, to kick my brain fog into a whole new layer of amazing - I also have ADHD. So everything I do is a complete surprise to me. Forgot why I walked into a room? Who cares! I wouldn’t have done what I was planning to do, even if I could remember it.
Yesterday I walked out of my bathroom to grab some Clorox. On the way, my dog gave me the “If you don’t let me outside you’ll be sorry” face. Clorox-quest forgotten, I opened the door where I was greeted by a plant that was drier than a bad hushpuppy. I went to turn on the hose - only to be sidetracked by a dog toy in the lawn. Obviously this is an invitation to have the toy get mowed right through my window. So, I scooped it up and headed back inside to put it away, when I saw the scissors I had been searching for all week. Victory! But then I noticed a dirty dog bowl which reminded me to refill the dog food container. Off to the laundry room I went - where I discovered I had neglected to flip the laundry. So, naturally, I hauled the clean clothes to the bedroom where I got distracted by a shirt which of course was now too tight. I felt so sorry for myself that eating ice cream would be the only solution to ease my woes. While scooping the mint chocolate chip, I spied the electric bill which I had been ignoring because it was as big as the national deficit. I went to the laptop to pay it, and was lured into watching a video about otters. Two hours later I was crying while watching The Peanut Butter Falcon, surrounded by laundry, scissors, dog toys, and an empty Breyer’s container - with zero Clorox in sight. I’m getting so much not accomplished!
By now you’ve likely decided to join me in menopause - and honestly, welcome on board. Every day is a Master Class in efficiency: I lose hair, patience, and memory all at the same time. I know you’re thinking: “Wow, how does one woman achieve such biological excellence?” And, you’re right - it’s a gift, really. I count my blessings daily - usually while deciding which barrette looks best with my nose hairs.
Published September 16, 2025 Volume 28, Issue 18 of the Bluffton Sun