In case you were wondering what things can crawl into your house through your drain in South Carolina - it’s pretty much everything.
I opened the door to my shower to turn the water on, when I noticed my cute little drain cover had been carelessly shoved aside by some silent assailant. And as a strong, independent, single woman, I did what any sane person would do; I called my best friend in Upstate New York to assess the situation.
“So, something creepy crawled up through my drain and is waiting to kill me in my sleep. Can you come over and hide with me?”
“I’m not getting anywhere near that death house.”
“Great friend you are.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. Probably burn the house down?”
She reached out to the experts for advice - Google. “Ok, so, it could be bugs, rodents, frogs, snakes, baby alligators - pretty much anything. Yeah, you have to move.”
I’m not afraid of most of those things. Granted, I don’t want them taking up residence with me as they are known to be freeloaders and party until all hours of the night. But, I am freaking out that there’s a snake in my house. Knowing my luck, it’s the venomous kind and will eat my dogs as an appetizer and then me as the main course. Even if it’s not venomous, I have two parrots that would make a delicious snack for the uninvited guest.
“Are you looking for this disgusting thing?”
“Um, NO. I’m on my way to work. I got ready as fast as I could and got the heck out of there. But I did shake out my shoes before I put them on, just in case they were hiding in there. You know how snakes love a good pair of Jimmy Choos.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard that. What are you going to do?”
Sigh. I guess I have to call for reinforcements because I cannot face this alone. I have now whipped my anxiety into a frenzy, and am imagining a nest of slithering adversaries taking up residence under my bed. Cold and calculating, waiting for just the right moment to strike. Fangs, dripping with venom, licking slimy little snakey lips with anticipation. So, I reached out to my ex-husband for help.
“Hey, any chance you’re free today?”
“No, I’m in board meetings all day. What’s up?”
“Yeah, so, something crawled up through my drain and is going to murder in my sleep tonight. Any chance you have a break and can go kill it for me before it makes me its next meal?”
“Wait, what? What do you mean something crawled up through the drain?”
“Well, it pushed the drain cover off and slithered in. There was yucky drain sludge and a hairball that most definitely wasn’t there when I showered yesterday.”
“And you didn’t notice this until now? Could it have been the dogs?”
“Nope. The shower door was closed and my bedroom door is always shut.”
“Was there a slime trail or footprints - any evidence that something came in?”
“I don’t know. I was scared and turned on the shower really hot so it pushed the cottonmouth’s friends back down the drain.”
“Do you have any traps?”
“You know I keep bear traps at the house for this type of situation.”
“I mean, like a mouse trap.”
“Ew. No.”
“Ok, I’ll come over when I have a break.”
He texted me moments later to let me know he moved a few meetings around so he could go take a look for me. He also grabbed a rat trap.
“I’m going to put the dogs in their crates in case something did come up through the drain. I don’t want them chasing it around or getting hurt while I try to catch it.”
“Make sure you get a whacking stick too so the pit viper doesn’t kill you. Or maybe those grabber things.”
“I’m already on the way to your house. Those grabber things would be useless for a snake. They don’t squeeze tight enough. It would only create a bigger issue. Do you have a shovel?”
“Only a gardening trowel. I don’t typically bury bodies in the backyard. Oh, and get a video if you find something.”
“I am not getting a video. I’m gonna need both hands to catch whatever it is that crawled in.”
He also decided to bring his best friend with him to join in on the fun - all the while I was loudly praying that a cobra hadn’t devoured my pets.
“One of us can use a flashlight and the other can use the shovel. I only have about a half an hour so we’ll set up a few traps in your room. Do not let the dogs go in there when you get home. The traps will break their jaws.”
What fresh hell had I gotten myself into?
A few minutes later I received a picture of a rat trap placed next to the shower and then a follow up phone call.
“No evidence of anything that we can see. We looked under the bed and in the closet. Was the shower door completely closed when you saw it this morning?”
“Yes. I didn’t notice anything was awry until I tried to take a shower.”
“Well, you washed away the crime scene. I can’t believe you didn’t use a different bathroom so I could see the evidence. Did you see any tail marks or footprints on the tiles?”
“Um, a Black Mamba was going to murder me. I just showered quickly and ran away before I died.”
“I don’t think it was a snake or anything. We have had a lot of rain this summer so the water levels in the neighborhoods are high. Once in a while the water pressure builds up and an air bubble bursts through the system. You used the wrong screws on the drain cover which is why it came off when the water backed up from the pressure.”
Oh. Oops. My B.
“Just be aware for the next few days or so - you know, cautious about moving shoes and things on the ground.”
Ok, well, that’s the theory I’m going to go with - otherwise I will have a nervous breakdown. But I am still sleeping with one eye open, just in case. Do snakes have evil laughs? I could swear I just heard one.
At the time of publishing Tracy had not been devoured, yet…
Published in The Bluffton Sun -