Chiggers. The word makes me laugh. I first learned about these itchy demons when I moved to Bluffton. If you’re unfamiliar, they are like a mosquito’s evil little brother - smaller, nastier, and infinitely pettier.
Chiggers lurk in tall grass, or as I first discovered, hide out in that dreamy Spanish moss draped on oak trees. You know, those silvery-green curtains that give the South that Gone with the Wind feel. (Side note, Spanish Moss is neither Spanish, nor moss - which is already funny. It’s actually a bromeliad which makes it cousins with the pineapple, but far less appetizing. Unless you enjoy garnishing your fruit salad with disappointment.
I was once admiring the beautiful Spanish moss on May River Road, when I was warned not to use it as decoration because it is full of chiggers. That warning sent me spiraling down into a chigger rabbit hole, because, of course it did.
And, wow - you’d be surprised how much of the internet is devoted to these things.
First, they're often confused with jiggers. Which they are not. Jiggers are fleas. Great, now I have two new bugs in my vocabulary with equally hilarious names. Who is in charge of insect branding - because that person deserves an award.
Chiggers are 1/150th of an inch. Who is measuring these guys? Some poor chigger specialist with a microscope and a chigger growth chart is like “Well, Mrs. Johnson, your chigger is in the 12th percentile. Hope you’re not banking on him getting a basketball scholarship.”
And, although you can’t see them, you certainly feel their handiwork. Chiggers have the uncanny ability to bite you in places where scratching would get you cited for indecent behavior.
Googling them brought me to a place that discussed “Berry Bugs” and then a hand drawn sketch of a hairy little nightmare.
Honestly, they feel like a mistake - like God handed creating these guys to some intern. “Could you whip something up? I’m working on the platypus right now.”
Just how many newcomers are incorporating Spanish Moss into their decor? What are they doing with it, stuffing throw pillows? Dangling the not-moss moss from the furniture to give their beach house an Addams Family makeover? “Morticia - push that moss a little to the left. We don’t want our four-poster bed to look uneven.”
Maybe they are creating their own super hero accessories? ChiggerMan - Justice never sleeps - and neither will you, thanks to this cape crawling with microscopic henchmen!
And if you think the comedy ends there - oh no. There’s an entire episode of Brave Wilderness dedicated to them - which is sponsored by Chiggerex. This is a thing!
“Coyote is on a solo mission to be eaten alive by invisible monsters: CHIGGERS! These microscopic creatures are the larva stage of harvest mites, and in the larva stage they're so tiny they can't be seen with the human eye! But that doesn't stop them from feasting upon unsuspecting mammals that encounter a swarm. Coyote will try his hardest to become a bug bite buffet by venturing barefoot into the forest!” Honestly, you can’t make this stuff up.
If you have your heart set on sprucing up your home with that mystical southern vibe - or you’re just too cheap to spring for Poly-fil to stuff your handmade pillows, fear not. Because while down the rabbit hole, I learned you can microwave the not-Spanish not-moss Spanish moss, and it will kill all of the harbingers of rashes to come. Which makes me belly laugh. Who is doing this???
“What’s in the microwave?”
“Oh, nothing. Just whipping up a little swamp casserole. Do you want me to pack some for you to bring for lunch?”
And finally - because the South never disappoints - there’s even a band named the Chiggers that plays all over the Low Country. Clearly they think the name is awesome too. Or maybe it was the product of one very itchy night that went horribly, hilariously wrong? (Note to self: look up origin story).
So, if you’re ever tempted to bring Spanish moss inside for that Southern Gothic chic - remember you’re inviting eleventy million little freeloading roommates into your space. Unless you decide to microwave it first. Of course, you’ll be explaining why your kitchen smells like a Swamp Casserole.
Eat your heart out, Paula Dean.
Brave Wilderness Episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2ZW1MlRkfU
Picture: chiggers