When you’re pregnant, you're inundated with information from absolutely everyone that comes into contact with you. Complete strangers will give you all kinds of advice like: don't spend money on those awful pictures they take of your squashed newborn, sleep when they do, and enjoy every second! You pore over each article that comes your way (are they the size of a turnip this week?), and have your What To Expect When Expecting baby-growing bible highlighted and in arm’s distance to thumb through every nanosecond of your first pregnancy.
But there's SO much that they don't tell you about parenting. Important things you should mentally prepare for because inevitably it will happen to you - despite all your hilarious pre-child notions of how your baby will NEVER whine or use electronics, and how your life will not change at all. Excuse me for a minute while I laugh so hard that I pee a little (oh yeah, one more thing no one tells you). Bahahaha... (and pee).
What Did I Just Say?????
While parenting you will say things that you can't believe. Things will trip off your tongue like: "I can't hear you, I'm vacuuming the shower!" and "Oh my GOD - did you just put lip gloss on your butt?" as well as "No, you may not jump off the balcony. I don't care that you're wearing a cape." No one can really prepare you for the conversations you will have, nor the warnings you will heed to your children. Because, really, who would believe it anyway?
Um....duh?
You will have to answer questions that there is no way you would know the answers to. Questions like, "Mommy, do owls fart?" and "Why does her milkshake bring all the boys to the yard? Does she have a milkshake stand?"
You in The Pink! Penalty Box for 10!
You will referee knock down, drag ‘em out, brutal fights over a My Little Pony, a sticker, the cup with the bump in it. You will resort to time-outs, threats “Santa is definitely not coming to this house!” and Pyrrhic victories such as breaking a tiara in half and giving a piece to each of them.You will be bloodied, insulted, and disowned - all over a Barbie shoe.
You Have Given Birth to Your Most Embarrassing Friends
Remember that girl from college that embarrassed you every time you were in public together? That girl will seem like a Disney Princess in comparison to what your cherubs will do. They will accuse a stranger of "Doin' poopin' fawts" in a crowded ladies room. They will loudly serenade a plane full of people with a rousing rendition of Kesha’s “It’s going down, I’m yelling TIMBER!” during turbulence. One time, I was pantsed while standing in line at Marshalls. I had to ask a stranger to hold my two month old so I could stop sharing my butt with the world.
Although You Love Them More Than You Could Ever Believe Possible - There Will Be Times You Want to Rub Their Little Faces in Asphalt
This one is self-explanatory (clearly do not actually follow through on this thought). Which you will have. More than once.
Bribing: The Other White Meat
You will give your kids garbage food. You will buy them stupid apps on your iPhone for $27. You will allow them to watch eleventeen episodes of Bluey in a row. You will act in ways you swore you never would, simply for a few free minutes to (fill in the blank with things like): shower, make a phone call, doom scroll - whatever - without whining, crying, fighting, begging, or having to get string cheese and a dwink for your high maintenance progeny.
Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire
Even the most honest of people will find themselves placed in a situation where you are forced to lie. Ludicrous, outlandish lies like "It's illegal in the state of South Carolina to sleep in your Mommy's bed" and "If you eat sugar after 7 pm, a fairy cries." And you won't lose one second of sleep over it.
Whatever You Do, Don't Laugh
While you have given birth to your most embarrassing friends - they are also the funniest. They will say things and act in horribly inappropriate ways, and you will need to handle it because you’re the adult. I was called into the preschool director’s office because my pride and joy was flashing her underwear to everyone at recess. In my effort to reprimand the behavior, I said “Ladies do not show their underwear in public.” and then had to leave the room when her defense was “Me are not a lady, me are a heathen.” Or a time when my other daughter was in the principal’s office for throwing rocks at a tree. Her defense, “They weren’t rocks. They were dirt bombs.”
Just remember to write all of the funny down after it happens. Because even if you think you will never forget, the little muffins suck out every one of your brain cells and you won't remember a darn thing, like all of the sage advice I have given to you.
These are actual events that occurred to me while parenting littles. In the next edition of the Bluffton Sun, I will continue this series with Stuff No One Tells You To Expect When Expecting - THE TEENAGE YEARS - God Help Us and Save Us.