Published in The Bluffton Sun - 11/1/2024
I can feel my pulse beating in the soles of my exhausted and sore feet. The pain is radiating up and settling into my lower back. I want to take my sassy heels off, but we are at a bar I don't want my french manicured toes mingling with things I'd rather not think about congealed on the floor. I am one of the few sober people remaining in the place. We had a wonderful day catching up with loved ones that we had moved away from in search for warmer climates. However, it's late, I am about 5 hours past overtired, and I am no longer enjoying the drunken shenanigans occurring around me.
I tell my husband that I wish to head to the hotel. He yawns his agreement. I ask him to give me the keys, as he drove to the bar but I am the designated driver. He informs me that I have them - which I do not.
Key Master: "Tracy, you had the keys when we arrived.
Me: "No I didn't. You locked the car and then talked with that guy in the parking lot.
Key Master: "You locked the car."
Key-less Me: "No I didn't. You drove the rental car, remember?.”
Belligerent Key Master: "I DON'T HAVE THEM, TRACY."
Trying to Stay Calm Me: "Ok, maybe they're outside near the car."
We walk out back and begin to comb the parking lot and the inside of the car for the missing keys. It is chilly out but I didn't bring a coat because I didn't want to leave it lying around the bar. The keys are nowhere to be seen. We head back inside to continue looking.
Obstreperous Key Jerk: "You clearly have them. I unlocked the car and then put them in the pocket of your grey coat."
Innocent Until Proven Guilty Me: "I'm not wearing a grey coat. I don't even own a grey coat."
Gave the Keys To a Stranger: ”Well, that's just freakin' awesome, Tracy. Now we don't have the keys. Now we are going to have to pay $7,000,000 to replace the keys to Hertz. I can't believe you lost the keys. I put them in your grey coat on the bar."
Super Angry Shouty Me: I DON'T HAVE THE KEYS!! I AM WEARING A BLACK SWEATER WITH NO POCKETS!! I DON'T HAVE A GREY COAT!!!!!
Our friends are not-so-successfully stifling laughs and offer to drive us the few blocks to the hotel. I leave my number with the bartender in case the absconded with set of keys makes a reappearance. Frustrated, tired and now wanting to stab my husband with the missing keys - we head to the hotel. During the entire 10 minute ride back to the hotel Key Loser 3000 keeps blaming me for misplacing the keys, and complaining how much money we are going to owe to the rental car agency, and like THIS is what he feels like dealing with in the morning. I seethe in the back seat and try to refrain from pushing him out of the moving vehicle.
We get to the room and I sequester myself in the bathroom to perform my nightly pre-sleep ritual of contact lens removal, make-up removal, etc., and try to calm my anger so I can fall asleep sometime before dawn. I hear my husband collapse onto the bed, rolling my eyes at him behind the concealment of the bathroom door. The sink is running and I hear something garbled coming from the other room. Begrudgingly, I turn off the faucet so I can hear.
Overtired Me: Sigh...I couldn't hear you with the sink running. What did you say?
Should Be Sleeping on the Couch: I found the keys!
Wrongfully Accused Me: Excuse me?
Too Narcissistic to be Contrite: I found the keys! I put them in this little pocket in my jeans so I wouldn't lose them. I told you we would find them!
I Freakin' Told You I Didn't Have Them Me: Is divorce court open at this hour?